3-3-99, 4:07 pm

I'm confused. I'm pulled in two different directions... for everything, it seems. This website (and others I work on) - should I be funny? Poignant? Quiet and wise? Outrageous and extroverted? I can never decide. I can't be funny all the time, nor can I be serious and "deep" all the time. There has to be a happy medium. But it seems most personal sites are either one or the other. Which audience do I cater to? Can't I just be me?

Me. Ha. Since my identity is unknown on this site, I guess that's funny to say. And I guess because of that anonymity (sp.?) I can be all me and not give a crap what anyone is thinking. Anyone at all. Soon my best friend will have access to this site and I wonder if that will affect the outcome or the product at all.

But I want to be interesting. Engaging. To pull people back to read more. I want to be popular. Shallow, isn't it. But it's the bloody truth. Someone has to see this, or it feels all in vain. Just hopefully not people I know. I'd be willing to bet not one person has viewed this site other than myself, and soon Laurel. That's OK... and it's also not OK. Like I said. I'm confused.

Life. Which way do I go? College, a job. I want to finish up my multimedia degree - I talked to someome today and it's looking very promising. And then what? Real life hits with full force? Laurel and I have extensivly discussed becoming roommates. She's feeling the tugs of independence now. We could work, as long as there was defined Space, because she's very neat and cleans constantly, and I tend to dissolve into "organized chaos." But it would work. I swear.

Romance. The object of my affections is quite young... 16 in thirteen days. I'll be 20 in six months. So he's about 3 1/2 years younger than me. I've gone over this. But it's strange. I never imagined that I'd fall for a young buck such as he, but God tends to surprise you. "Life is just a mood ring we're not allowed to see." (They Might Be Giants) I dreamed I kissed him last night... boy do I want to do it in real life.

I want to see concerts this year - TMBG, Jars of Clay, the Supertones. That would make my millenium. Ha. 303 days till the year 2000... you ready? :P

So. I've digressed.... I have an hour until I've gotta leave, and it'll be around 10:30 or 11:00 pm before I get home... Wednesday's my busy day. Ah.

4:19 pm

Don't make me tell you what you already know is true.