December 14, 1998 - 11:27 pm
So what is it about it. Me. I think I'm finally "over" him - in the sense that I don't think about him constantly, and I've finally found the balls to "let him go." I recently heard a quote that if you want something really bad, just let it go - if it comes back to you, all the well; if it doesn't, then it wasn't yours to begin with. Which may end up being the case, which would really suck, but I can accept that. D and I discussed men today - I told him how I didn't think men got emotionally attatched in relationships, that they all seemed like big unfeeling icebergs. D said that's only how they try to appear on the outside, but they're ALL emotionally attached in some way. which makes me wonder about him. Was he attached to me? Or was it easy to dump me and go on? Does he still think about me from time to time? Does he look at me and remember, like I look at him and remember? Does he long for the touch, the closeness, the companionship? Or is he completely happy in his iceberg world? Obviously, I still think about it from time to time. I wonder. But I can let him go now. He's cruel to me. I don't deserve that. I can find someone who will treat me like a friend. Or more. :P
It's frustrating. But God must have someone even better in store for me. Do you realize it's been almost four months since he ended it? Four months. Of this crap. After a month of mostly bliss, some tentative uncertainty. I wish one of two things: that he'd come back and all would be well, or that it had never happened at all. I'm not sure which would be better. Although if it had never happened, I would not be in the youth group, I would not have made all the new friends I did, and I'd still be "the outsider." Camp still would have happened, but he was my main motivation for getting really involved and meeting all those new people. Thad! I remember the day I met Thad. I was with HIM, and Thad was coming along somewhere. We sat in his parent's bakery and had lunch. I think it was Subway. And I asked him about shampoo, and he laughed and laughed. (you would have had to hear the whole conversation.) I would not have met Thad if I hadn't dated HIM. Thad's a great friend to me now. When the singing group meets on Wed., he's always the first to ask how I'm doing and etc. So it was good that it happened, that I dated HIM. I just wish it hadn't ended like it did. I wish we were still friends. We're kind of "fake" now. We talk about light surface stuff, mostly centered around his wrestling. He loves to talk about it. Hmm.
Someday this will all work out. For now, I must suffer silently. I'm not one for vocally expressing my feelings.
You don't look different, but you have changed... I'm looking through you, you're not the same!